You could watch the MTV Movie Awards alone. But it’s better to do it while simultaneously online, with Celebritology as your co-pilot.(I’ll also be Tweeting periodically at twitter.com/celebritology.)
8:30 p.m.: Good evening all. Before the Movie Awards truly begins, allow me to provide this public service announcement. The “Twilight: Breaking Dawn” teaser trailer has already leaked. Watch it below.
8:44 p.m.: So who’s excited to see who won ABDC? And who referred to America’s Best Dance Crew as ABDC before tonight? Anyone besides Mario Lopez?
8:53 p.m.: You know, J.C. Chavez is right. As he just told one of the ABDC (great, now I’m doing it) crews, it does take courage to be innovative.
8:55 p.m.: Since MTV’s red carpet show isn’t showing much fashion, here’s a picture of the lovely Emma Watson. You’re welcome.
8:56 p.m.: J.J. Abrams sighting!
8:58 p.m.: If the screaming during “America’s Best Dance Crew” is an indication of what lies ahead tonight, I should have a headache by approximately 9:26 p.m.
9 p.m.: Show’s starting ... with a “Hangover” parody. Jason Sudeikis has apparently lost Taylor Lautner. And Chelsea Handler is providing advice.
9:01 p.m.: Will there be Ken Jeong in this parody? Unclear but there is some Eva Mendes — with a Team Jacob tattoo on her cheek. Play to the base, MTV. Play to the base.
9:04 p.m.: This parody is taking us through “Black Swan,” “127 Hours” and “Social Network.” It’s also giving Justin Bartha the opportunity to finally be a partipant in some “Hangover” shenanigans.
9:07 p.m.: So far in his monologue Sudeikis made two Schwarzenegger jokes, busted on MTV’s lack of music programming and gave Twilight fans a shout-out.
9:08 p.m.: He also just made a nice joke about Selena Gomez swallowing Justin Bieber’s baby teeth. Gomez looks faux/-mortified.
9:09 p.m.: “How did ‘Human Centipede not get nominated for best kiss?’”
9:10 p.m.: That’s five Schwarzenegger jokes total. And one for “Jersey Shore”: “Did you hear Snooki was rear-ended? This time, by a car.”
9:12 p.m.: Timberlake and Mila Kunis made a joke about how they aren’t dating, then grabbed each other’s, um, delicate parts. Man, why doesn’t this stuff ever happen on the Oscars?
9:14 p.m.: Robert Pattinson just won best male performance. Kristen Stewart looks shyly proud from her seat, as is her wont.
9:15 p.m.: J.J. Abrams and Steve Spielberg look like dignified, cinematic genius bookends right now.
9:16 p.m.: A new Super 8 preview, featuring snippets from the film, not shown in sequence, is currently showing. It is effectively blockbuster-riffic.
9:20 p.m.: While we are at commercial, here’s Kristen Stewart on the red carpet:
9:23 p.m: Steve Carell, Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling are all onstage. And all of them look hot. Did Carell get more handsome after leaving Dunder Mifflin? Is it my HD?
9:24 p.m.: Tom Felton just won best villain. Malfoy!
9:25 p.m.: Jim Carrey is wearing a suit with a green screen effect that allows his blazer to depict dogs humping. Did I mention how classy this affair is?
9:26 p.m.: Ah, the Foo Fighters are here. Dave Grohl wil get things back on track, as he always does.
9:28 p.m.: Clearly digging on the Foo Fighters: Emma Watson and, to a lesser extent, Hailee Steinfeld.
9:31 p.m.: Some nasty chatter on Twitter about Amanda Bynes being fat. She retired for a few seconds last year and suddenly she’s let herself go? She’s allowed to weigh more than 85 pounds, isn’t she?
9:36 p.m.: Twitter has also been won over by Jason Sudeikis but can’t spell his name correctly. (Sudekis? Come on, Tweeters.).
9:37 p.m.: Best Jaw-Dropping Moment goes to Justin Bieber, who isn’t here. But wait, he is there! Oh my Lord, the shock. The shock, I tell you!
9:40 p.m.: The Bieber appearance would have been more shocking if Selena Gomez hadn’t said during the Movie Awards pre-show that he was there, then changed her mind and said, “I mean, no. He’s not here.”
9:46 p.m.: We;ve moved on to Best Fight; Xavier Samuel and Bryce Dallas Howard vs. Robert Pattison have won for (shocker) “Twilight: Eclipse.” How did they beat Amy Adams vs the sisters in “The Fighter”? Never mind ... that was rhetorical.
9:47 p.m: Weirdest comment of the night, courtesy of Pattinson to fellow winner Bryce Dallas Howard. “I ripped your head off and now you’re pregnant.” K Stewart looked more mortified than usual.
9:52 p.m.: Jason Sudeikis is at the piano about to sing some songs about recent movies. Borrowing a page from Billy Crysal, are we?
9:55 p.m.: The song about the port-a-potty toss in “Jackass 3-D” was surprisingly poignant.
9:56 p.m.: Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are onstage. Sudeikis introduced her by saying she had not confirmed that it was her. But enough about that, it’s time for best kiss. This was followed by a gratuitous gag involving the guys from “Jackass” and some lasers.
9:58 p.m.: Stewart and Pattinson won again. Bo-ring. Now they have to do this ridiculous awkward kiss routine. Selena Gomez looks delighted. (Seriously, she does.)
10 p.m.: Pattinson just ran into the crowd and kissed ... Taylor Lautner.
10:01 p.m.: Twitter just exploded. I mean, presumably.
10:01 p.m.: A scene from “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2” — complete with no-nosed Ralph Fiennes as Voldemort — is showing right now.
10:02 p.m.: In further proof that America’s youth are spelling-challenged (or that someone is playig a successful online prank), Robert Patterson is now trending on Twitter.
10:08 p.m.: Patrick Dempsey, Robert Pattinson and Chelsea Handler are botching the presentation of the MTV Generation Award. Oh, snap. Pattinson just dropped an f-bomb.
10:10 p.m.: What is Pattinson saying? Even Chelsea Handler looks uncomfortable and she’s probably had at least one shot of vodka.
10:14 p.m.: I can’t even fit the number of ways that was awful into a single paragraph. Was there or was there not a rehearsal for the presentation of the MTV Generation Award?
10:15 p.m.: Witherspoon just cursed too. Yet somehow, it seems classy when she does it.
10:16 p.m.: “It’s also possible to make it in Hollywood without a reality show. When I came up in this business, when you made a sex tape you were embarrassed and you hid it under your bed. If you take naked pictures of yourself on your cell phoe, you hide your face, people. Hide your face.” — Reese Witherspoon
10:17 p.m.: And that my friends is how you bust on Blake Lively without saying the name Blake Lively.
10:25 p.m.: This “Fast Five” parody/texting-while-driving PSA is running a little long.
10:26 p.m. And now the best line from a movie category, which doesn’t feature that many great lines. And the winner is ... “I want to get chocolate-wasted,” from “Grown-Ups”???
10:28 p.m. I’m pretty sure the young girl who said that line, actress Alexys Nycole Sanchez, has no business hearing the language she’s been hearing throughout this awards show.
10:32 p.m: I’m really glad Nicki Minaj wore that arrow-style necklace. Otherwise I would have missed her cleavage entirely.
10:33 p.m.: Kristen Stewart just won best female performance and bumbled her way through an acceptance speech. She and Pattinson really do belong together.
10:38 p.m.: Trey Songz is onstage, which gives me the chance to pause and consider which part of Pattinson’s presentation to Reese Witherspoon was most baffling — the fact that he had notes on paper, cursed, seemed totally uncomfortable or didn’t say anything nice about Witherspoon, really? So many options.
10:44 p.m.: Sudeikis: “Alexys Nycole Sanchez has just checked into chocolate rehab.” Will he suffer the flack Kathy Griffin suffered for saying the same thing about Dakota Fanning? Doubtful.
10:45 p.m.: Bateman.
10:46 p.m.: Did Sudeikis just say he might be a father soon?
10:47 p.m.: Emma Stone wins for best comedic performance. And now it’s time to see that “Breaking Dawn” teaser we all watched online earlier today.
10:49: Taylor Lautner rips off his shirt in the trailer for “Breaking Dawn..” Man, why did they have to ruin the movie for me?
10:55 p.m.: Gary Busey is now onstage in a plastic hamster ball to present the award for best movie. Peter Falcinelli looks as confused as I feel.
10:56 p.m.: Is there any chance “Twilight: Eclipse” won’t win? Any at all? Nope. Busey is slapping plastic high fives to the Twilight cast and crew.
10:57 p.m.: Ladies and gentlemen, Taylor Lautner, the only articulate star of the “Twilight” movies.
10:58 p.m. And with a blast of fog and unnecessary glitter-confetti, another MTV Movie Awards comes to an end. Some show about a teen wolfman will apparently be on next. At least that’s the word on the street.